the fucking audacity of: this man. He wants to be my man, but wants other women, but doesn’t want me to have another man.

Read that again, twice. Do you have the same migraine I do? There’s something in the Portland air—and I don’t mean the rain or the smell of weed or body odor. I mean the audacity.

So here’s the tea: I’ve was lowkey seeing this man. He’s cute. He’s charming. He says all the right things. Tells me he likes me. Wants a real connection. Wants to “build something.” Naturally, I thought we were on the same page and that my little ice cold heart could finally thaw out a bit—until that page got ripped out, scribbled on with glitter pen, and lit on fire.

Because guess what?

He wants to be my boyfriend… and sleep with other women. But wait—I’m not allowed to date other men. Nope. That’s “different,” according to him. Sir? Different? WTF do you mean exactly?

He wants to pop up at my place whenever he wants, like a seasonal allergy. He wants access. Priority. Loyalty. Monogamy—from me. Meanwhile, he’s out here auditioning for The Bachelor: Poly NE Portland Edition.

He calls it “ethical non-monogamy,” but the only thing ethical about it is how clearly he laid out his double standard.

Let me be clear: this isn’t polyamory. This isn’t an open relationship. This is one-sided selfishness with a cute vocabulary and mama isn’t about to sit around and be monogamous with anyone who is out here like one of those Nike bikes laying in a gutter.

Let’s break it down:

• He wants to sleep with multiple women.
• He doesn’t want me to sleep with anyone else.
• He wants boyfriend privileges.
• He wants freedom.
• He wants me exclusive… while he’s inclusive AF.

Sir, this isn’t a relationship. This is a dictatorship with cuddling.

I’m a grown woman with a full plate: raising a toddler, holding down a career, getting a degree, and somehow still making time to exfoliate. And you think I’m going to sit at home waiting for your random Wednesday night visits while you “explore other connections”?

Baby, the only thing I’m exploring is my standards.

I’m not your main girl. I’m not your backup girl. I’m not your emotionally available, sexually exclusive situationship girlfriend you can breadcrumb between brunches with other women.

If you want a harem, download an app. If you want a queen, act accordingly.

This era of men wanting girlfriend benefits with bachelor freedom is exhausting. And frankly, it’s tired. So no, you can’t have me and everyone else. And no, you don’t get to rewrite the rules of commitment just because Portland said “we’re all free spirits here.”

Some of us are still looking for love—not a logistics nightmare.

Respectfully, go poly somewhere else.